Books by Simon Haynes

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Zero: A prequel to the humorous scifi series (Hal Spacejock)
Zero: A prequel to the humorous scifi series (Hal Spacejock)
by Simon Haynes
How far would you go to make your dreams come true?On Hal Spacejock's home planet, efficient and highly intelligent robots have taken all the jobs.Hal's one of the lucky ones, because he works as a cargo loader at a third-rate spaceport.Lucky perhaps, but not satisfied. Because instead of loading freighters, Hal wants to fly them...
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Categories: All Science Fiction; All Sex & Erotica
No Free Lunch: Fast, funny and gripping (Hal Spacejock Book 4)
No Free Lunch: Fast, funny and gripping (Hal Spacejock Book 4)
by Simon Haynes
How far would you run to escape your past?Hal and Clunk fly halfway across the galaxy, putting their earlier mishaps, disasters and angry customers behind them.It's a chance to start anew. To rebuild their reputation. To actually complete a cargo job without destroying the lot.Unfortunately, they chose the wrong planet ...The Hal...
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Sex & Erotica; All Teen Lit
Foxtrot Hotel (Harriet Walsh Book 4)
Foxtrot Hotel (Harriet Walsh Book 4)
by Simon Haynes
First a dead body shows up on Harriet's favourite beach.Then she discovers the whole place is going to be bulldozed for an apartment complex.She's convinced the two are connected, but she'll have to untangle a web of lies and corruption to reach the truth.Meanwhile, someone has decided that the best way to avoid discovery is to silence...
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Categories: All Science Fiction
Hal Spacejock Omnibus Two: Hal Spacejock books 4-6, plus Framed
Hal Spacejock Omnibus Two: Hal Spacejock books 4-6, plus Framed
by Simon Haynes
Omnibus Two contains the following Hal Spacejock titles: Hal Spacejock 4: No Free Lunch Hal Spacejock 5: Baker's Dough Hal Spacejock 6: Safe Art ... plus a bonus short story, Hal Spacejock Framed
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Updown: A short story
Updown: A short story
by Simon Haynes
You don't know me, I'm Daniel and me an' mom live in a updown south of Titan City. You've seen vids of carnival rides. There's one what's a big pole with a flying saucer thing going up and down, up and down and spinning round and round. Well our house is like that, only there's just two of us in it and it doesn't spin else we'd get sick...
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Categories: All Horror
A Piece of the Action: A short story
A Piece of the Action: A short story
by Simon Haynes
Flat broke and stranded in a South American country, Ralph Gardiner is nursing a beer and contemplating the wreckage of his life. No money, no prospects, and worst of all ... the beer is warm.When a local businessman approaches him with a curious offer, Ralph decides he has nothing to lose. He's wrong.8000 Word Short Story.
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Categories: All Science Fiction
Catch of the Day: A short story
Catch of the Day: A short story
by Simon Haynes
Ken and Steve reluctantly give up their lawnmowing duties for a weekend of fishing, booze and male bonding. Unfortunately the fish aren't biting, supplies are running low and worst of all ... the beer just ran out.Then, without warning, an alien colony ship arrives in orbit, and that's when Ken's problems REALLY start.A 4000 word short...
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Categories: All Science Fiction
Loss Leader: A short story
Loss Leader: A short story
by Simon Haynes
Synopsis: After delays and last-minute setbacks, the first colony ship leaves planet Earth for a distant star. Join the crew as they discover all is not as it seems...A 9000 word short story originally published in Andromeda Spaceways issue #3"... pure science fiction and, just between ourselves, an entirely evil tale, suggesting a far...
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Categories: All Science Fiction
Off Course: A short story
Off Course: A short story
by Simon Haynes
An alien fleet arrives on Earth, only to invade the wrong hole ...A 1400-word short story.
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Categories: All Science Fiction
A Robot Named Clunk: Funny, salty and fast-moving (Hal Spacejock Book 1)
A Robot Named Clunk: Funny, salty and fast-moving (Hal Spacejock Book 1)
by Simon Haynes
A pair of misfits accept an impossible cargo job. Can they beat the odds and deliver?Clunk, an elderly robot, will get a much-needed overhaul if he completes a 'simple' job for his boss.Hal Spacejock, a crash-prone pilot, will get a lot of broken bones if he doesn't repay a loan shark.Clunk is patient, reasonable and brimming with...
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Hal Spacejock Omnibus One: Hal Spacejock books 1-3, plus Visit
Hal Spacejock Omnibus One: Hal Spacejock books 1-3, plus Visit
by Simon Haynes
"I read it at a sitting and couldn't put it down." - Tom HoltHal Spacejock Omnibus One contains three full-length novels plus a bonus short story.Here's what you get:A Robot Named Clunk (Hal Spacejock Book 1)Clunk, a clapped-out robot, is convinced he's about to be junked. Instead, his penny-pinching boss is sending him off to be...
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Peace Force: Cops, crooks and robots (Harriet Walsh Book 1)
Peace Force: Cops, crooks and robots (Harriet Walsh Book 1)
by Simon Haynes
It's her first day as a rookie... but will it be her last?The Peace Force is an intergalactic crime-fighting organisation with a fearsome reputation, boundless resources, and legions of well-trained officers.Harriet Walsh, 21, doesn't care about any of that. To her, it looks like a steady job with real wages, and the invitation to join...
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Categories: All Mystery, Crime & Thrillers; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Alpha Minor (Harriet Walsh Book 2)
Alpha Minor (Harriet Walsh Book 2)
by Simon Haynes
The Peace Force has a new recruit, and she's driving everyone crazy.From disobeying orders to handling unauthorised cases, nothing is off-limits. Worse, Harriet Walsh is forced to team up with the newbie, because the recruit's shady past has just caught up with her.Meanwhile, a dignitary wants to complain about rogue officers working out...
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Categories: All Mystery, Crime & Thrillers; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
A Pair of Nuts on the Throne: Part three in the humorous fantasy trilogy (Dragon and Chips Book 3)
A Pair of Nuts on the Throne: Part three in the humorous fantasy trilogy (Dragon and Chips Book 3)
by Simon Haynes
Ahh, the Old Kingdom.Come and pet our angry, fire-breathing dragons. Take a dip with mighty sea serpents in our lovely warm seas. Play catch-the-arrow with merry elven warriors. Drink beer* with the dwarves.For an unforgettable experience, the Old Kingdom is the ideal destination for your next holiday**Survival is optional, and highly...
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Categories: All Contemporary Fiction & Literature; All Fantasy; All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
A Riddle in Bronze (Mysteries in Metal Book 1)
A Riddle in Bronze (Mysteries in Metal Book 1)
by Simon Haynes
An unlikely trio of ghost hunters ply their trade in Victorian England. But have they met their match?London, 1871. When I applied for the position of bookkeeper with Professor Twickham and his daughter, I lied about my qualifications. In turn, they lied about the job for which I was applying.Had we not been so untruthful with each...
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Categories: All Fantasy; All Science Fiction
A Portion of Dragon and Chips: A feast of medieval mayhem
A Portion of Dragon and Chips: A feast of medieval mayhem
by Simon Haynes
Did you bring the salt?A creaky old robot shows up in a backward, medieval kingdom, promptly triggering all-out war.It's elves versus humans, humans versus dwarves, and pretty much everyone versus the goblins.At least there are no dragons to worry about, because they've been boned, filleted and barbecued to the brink of extinction. Hey...
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Categories: All Fantasy; All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
The Desolator: A short story
The Desolator: A short story
by Simon Haynes
A barbarian, a halfling and a cleric walk into a bar ...Join Hurm, Runt and Father Mephistophiles as they struggle to save the hamlet of Yendour from a marauding dragon. High fantasy parody from the author of the Hal Spacejock series.A 5000 word short story originally published in Andromeda Spaceways #6
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Categories: All Fantasy
How to write a novel: The secrets of a full-time author
How to write a novel: The secrets of a full-time author
by Simon Haynes
Do any of these sound familiar? You want to write your first novel, but you don't know how to begin. You've started writing several novels, but you never finish them. You've written a novel or two, but you want to increase your output and publish more often. If you answered yes to any of the above, this book might just be what...
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Categories: Writing and Publishing
A Butt of Heads: Part two in the humorous fantasy trilogy (Dragon and Chips Book 2)
A Butt of Heads: Part two in the humorous fantasy trilogy (Dragon and Chips Book 2)
by Simon Haynes
Events are unfolding at a breakneck pace in the Old Kingdom!Laugh as your favourite characters spit in the face of danger ... then run for the hills.Admire the verbal jousting and witty wordplay ... or is it the other way round?Gasp as kings and queens lose their heads.'Enjoy' the groanworthy puns and suffer the slings and arrows of...
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Categories: All Fantasy; All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Baker's Dough: (Book 5 in the Hal Spacejock series)
Baker's Dough: (Book 5 in the Hal Spacejock series)
by Simon Haynes
A broken-down fugitive with nothing to lose, an arms dealer hiding a deadly secret and an elderly robot set to inherit a vast fortune... it's a typical cargo job for freighter pilot Hal Spacejock and his offsider, Clunk.Baker's Dough features intense rivalry, sublime double-crosses and more greed than a free buffet.
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Just Desserts: A humorous science fiction novel (Hal Spacejock Book 3)
Just Desserts: A humorous science fiction novel (Hal Spacejock Book 3)
by Simon Haynes
Hal Spacejock has a problem. His cargo hold is packed with luxury foodstuffs, and the freezer equipment he bought from Bent Jimmy has just failed.Clunk predicted this of course, but does Hal ever listen?Now they need replacement parts before their cargo rots, and they're forced to abandon their ship to go looking for them.Which is a...
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Safe Art: (Book 6 in the Hal Spacejock series)
Safe Art: (Book 6 in the Hal Spacejock series)
by Simon Haynes
A wealthy patron is sponsoring a series of art exhibitions, and Hal Spacejock has been employed to transport valuable pieces from one venue to the next. The only question is which of them will last longest ... Hal or the artworks?
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Raiders: A fast-paced military science fiction thriller (The Secret War Book 1)
Raiders: A fast-paced military science fiction thriller (The Secret War Book 1)
by Simon Haynes
In a brutal interstellar war, how far would you go to save your family?Sam Willet's brother was a decorated fighter pilot. Now he's missing, presumed killed.But something feels wrong, and Sam is determined to uncover the truth.But will her investigation end in glory... or death?Raiders is a complete, standalone novel in the Secret War...
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Categories: All Science Fiction
Double Trouble: (Book 8 in the Hal Spacejock series)
Double Trouble: (Book 8 in the Hal Spacejock series)
by Simon Haynes
Hal Spacejock lands on planet Alteia, where he's so distracted by his own problems that he forgets to collect Clunk from the luggage rack. Not to worry, because a couple of old friends free Clunk from the spaceport ... only to reveal a great big ulterior motive: they want him to join their gang group.Meanwhile, Hal's remembered his...
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
An Enigma in Silver: A gaslamp fantasy novel (Mysteries in Metal Book 2)
An Enigma in Silver: A gaslamp fantasy novel (Mysteries in Metal Book 2)
by Simon Haynes
England, 1871. A quiet country village is rocked by murder. Police have no leads and no clues, apart from the grisly state of the victim's body.Evidence points to a supernatural killer, but Professor Twickham is curiously reluctant to lend his assistance.Roberta, his daughter, has no such qualms, and she involves me in the case as...
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Categories: All Fantasy
Framed: (A Hal Spacejock short story)
Framed: (A Hal Spacejock short story)
by Simon Haynes
With 200 shares in a worthless company on offer, who wouldn't step into a makeshift teleporter which has already claimed one victim?Yes, a straightforward cargo delivery takes a left turn when Hal Spacejock gets sidetracked.Hal and Clunk, stars of the Hal Spacejock comedy series, feature in this 8000-word short story. 'Framed' slots into...
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Categories: Unknown
The Secret Signal: An exciting scifi mystery for ages 9-12 (Hal Junior Book 1)
The Secret Signal: An exciting scifi mystery for ages 9-12 (Hal Junior Book 1)
by Simon Haynes
Hal Junior lives aboard a space station orbiting a distant planet. His best friend is brainy bookworm (free homework help!) and his teacher is a funny little robot which really does have eyes in the back of its head.With Hal Junior around, it needs them!Today is extra-special, because a supply ship is arriving and Hal's class has been...
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Categories: All Children's Lit
Big Bang: Boldly going where nobody else wants to (Hal Spacejock Book 7)
Big Bang: Boldly going where nobody else wants to (Hal Spacejock Book 7)
by Simon Haynes
A house clearance job sounds like easy money, but rising floodwaters, an unstable landscape and a surprise find are going to make life very difficult for Hal and Clunk.Set in the distant future, where humanity spans the galaxy and robots are second-class citizens, Big Bang is the seventh novel in the Hal Spacejock series. Book eight...
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
Visit: (A Hal Spacejock short story)
Visit: (A Hal Spacejock short story)
by Simon Haynes
Hal returns to his ship after a little shopping expedition and finds Clunk in a right old state.Break out the crayons and colouring sheets ... the robot has organised a school visit!Hal and Clunk, stars of the Hal Spacejock comedy series, feature in this 3500-word short story. Visit slots into the series any time after Hal Spacejock...
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Categories: Unknown
Second Course (Hal Spacejock Book 2)
Second Course (Hal Spacejock Book 2)
by Simon Haynes
Sonya picked up a missile launcher and aimed it at the back of Dent's head. "Who are we invading?"Dent spun round, slopping his coffee. "Put that down, woman! You think these are toys?""Range eighteen kilometres, blast radius five hundred metres ... this ain't no toy.""You know your weapons," Dent said grudgingly.Sonya swung the tube off...
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Categories: All Humor; All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
The Missing Case: An exciting scifi mystery for ages 9-12 (Hal Junior Book 2)
The Missing Case: An exciting scifi mystery for ages 9-12 (Hal Junior Book 2)
by Simon Haynes
"You'd better do something with that fire. It's going out." Hal peered into the sink and saw the scraps of card were almost gone. He blew on them until they glowed, then stuck one end of the food ration into the yellow flame. It spat and crackled before catching fire with a puff of blue smoke. "Er, Hal ..." began Stinky. "Is it...
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Categories: All Children's Lit; All Nonfiction
The Gyris Mission: An exciting scifi mystery for ages 9-12 (Hal Junior Book 3)
The Gyris Mission: An exciting scifi mystery for ages 9-12 (Hal Junior Book 3)
by Simon Haynes
"This is your pilot speaking. Folks, we have a small problem in the engine bay. It's nothing to worry about, but I'd like you to make your way to the escape pods." Hal Junior and Stephen 'Stinky' Binn live aboard a high-tech space station, far from the nearest planet. The rules are strict, and their lives are carefully regulated. That's...
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Categories: All Children's Lit
Sleight of Hand: A short story
Sleight of Hand: A short story
by Simon Haynes
After a cosy meal, the protagonist retires to his host's workshop for an after-dinner drink ... and becomes the unwitting subject of an experiment.2000-word short story. Winner of the 2001 Aurealis Award for Horror, Australia's premier speculative fiction award.
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Categories: All Horror
Yard Fail: A short story
Yard Fail: A short story
by Simon Haynes
When Ralph Swindon tinkers in his workshop, the whole world holds its breath. I pulled into the carpark just as Ralph came out of the surgery. His right arm was heavily bandaged and his face was ruddy, as if he'd spent too long in the sun. He was wearing his 'working clothes' - blue jeans and a T-shirt - and they looked a little...
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Categories: All Science Fiction
Thonn!: A short story
Thonn!: A short story
by Simon Haynes
In Thonn's world, Magick has been banned by politicians: evil, corrupt, twisted and power-hungry ... and the Magick wasn't much of a boon either. So imagine Thonn's surprise when he spies Eddie de Elder attempting Magick spells inside his remote cottage! Of course, not just anyone can perform Magick, but Thonn is a simple farm boy and...
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Categories: All Fantasy
Billy's Book: A short story
Billy's Book: A short story
by Simon Haynes
Sometimes a farmboy should STAY a farmboy ...Billy Crump is fed up with mucking out horses, so he sneaks into the wizard's lab, concocts a potion using all the rare and expensive ingredients, and somehow ends up with a talking book. His first thought? Sell the book ... and say goodbye to horse muck forever!A 5000-word short story by...
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Categories: All Fantasy
Max Damage: (Book 9 in the Hal Spacejock series)
Max Damage: (Book 9 in the Hal Spacejock series)
by Simon Haynes
Hal Spacejock and Clunk return in an all-new novel! Hal and Clunk answer a distress call, and they discover a fellow pilot stranded deep inside an asteroid field. Clunk is busy at the controls, dodging incoming rocks, so Hal dons a spacesuit, takes the jetbike and sets off on a heroic rescue mission. If he'd only known the trouble he...
Today's Bargain Price: $4.99
Categories: All Science Fiction; All Teen Lit
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